Connor Murphy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
yourattention) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
lifenet2018-08-09 10:25 pm
yourattention) wrote in lifenet2018-08-09 10:25 pm
a farspeech announcement
Emotions. [The lack of introduction is partially because Connor rarely bothers anyways and partially because he's trying to minimize the amount of speaking he's doing.] They were banned on Ai'tuoh and I couldn't figure out why then but that's - the more you bottle it up, the faster the flowers grow. Every. Single. Time. You say "I'm f" -
[There's a hiss of pain and then a slow, shaky breath. Yeah, alright. That was maybe not a great idea, given that he knows that's literally how it's triggered.]
Every time you lie about how you feel, something new grows. Every time you tell the truth, I think - I think that's how you cure it. That's why the robots didn't get it at first. That's why the rates of dying were all different.
[Should he take his own advice? Probably. But he's not gonna.]
I have fluro, if you want it. It makes the nausea worse, but it makes it easier to breathe.
[There's a hiss of pain and then a slow, shaky breath. Yeah, alright. That was maybe not a great idea, given that he knows that's literally how it's triggered.]
Every time you lie about how you feel, something new grows. Every time you tell the truth, I think - I think that's how you cure it. That's why the robots didn't get it at first. That's why the rates of dying were all different.
[Should he take his own advice? Probably. But he's not gonna.]
I have fluro, if you want it. It makes the nausea worse, but it makes it easier to breathe.
cw: past suicide
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... Yikes. That's, uh. [A real bummer?? Is that what you say, to that? She settles on something a little kinder, instead.] I'm sorry. Kind of a shitty afterlife for a pretty good guy.
Wanna tell me why? Like, it might help.
cw: internalised ableism, suicidal ideation
["Cool, now I'm depressed on an island." - Connor Murphy, definitely]
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That stinks, buddy. [Listen, there's a reason Lup is the world's best Evocationist, and not the world's best therapist.]
But like-- no offense, but your world has some wild standards of 'crazy', if you're supposed to be a peak example? [She doesn't sound unkind, just a little bemused.] I mean, you make really sweet baskets and drive a boat so well you saved us all from a watery grave. [
COULD A DEPRESSED PERSON DO THIS?] You're pretty chill to be around? You wanna know crazy, I'll tell you some stories about Mr. Bing-Bong the Clown some time.cw: a laundry list of connor's various neuroses
[It has a name, but he was so young when he got diagnosed and it didn't really matter what the crazy was called. It only mattered that he was crazy and his dad resented him for it. Refused to keep paying for it when it showed signs of not working.]
Sometimes I have to just sit in my house and try to remember how to breathe, because it feels like my chest is caving in and the entire world is going to crash down onto me. Somtimes I can't get out of bed, because I'm too depressed to function. Sometimes I just die because that's easier than trying to live with my own thoughts.
[Which he's aware is probably not the solution? But oh does the feeling of knowing he doesn't have to deal with anything feel good.]
cw: a dash of dissociation
Guess she's gonna be wandering the monkey compound more often in the future, even if she usually doesn't have much business on that side of the island.]
Listen Connor, that's not-- that just sounds like you need someone to, to have your back, to be there and reach out when-- [She swallows harshly, her throat's just so damn dry.] When you can't reach out yourself? [When your mind is draped in black curtains you thought you'd broken out of long ago, separating you from the rest of reality and everyone around you that's right there and you can't even get a single fucking sound out, to even be heard--]
I mean, lots of people need that. Your deathtrap house is cool and all but it's, like. It's too easy to be alone up there. To get lost.
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[There's something off to the way Connor says that - like it's something he's repeating, rather than something he really believes. Like it's something he was told and then he internalized it until it became the truth: no one should have to deal with him. No one should be forced to put up with him. Hold everyone at arm's length, so no one can really see.]
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Larry Murphy'swhoever's asshole on fire if she ever met them.]Nobody should be alone, okay? Don't ever think you've got to-- to go it alone, to turn your back on people, don't ever think that's the best you can do for somebody-- [She sounds like this is incredibly important to her. Like maybe she's seen what it does to people, to entire planar systems, to herself? Don't do it, fam.]
I promise you it's not. I promise somebody's gonna want to deal with you.
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[The literal representation of Bliss constructed a perfect world for him and even then he still fought with his parents because if he hadn't, the dream would have shattered itself.]
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You know who you are here? You're Connor who got us all off Ai'tuoh. Who's tight with our super buff fish friends, who threw a dank party, who's out there exploring and distributing vital info and who-- you figured out how to slow down this fucking disease when a whole civilization didn't in two thousand years! You fought a fucking god.
[It's not the first time she's heard this idea, that somebody can't be happy unless it's a fake reality where they're not even themself. Bliss was rough on a lot of people she cares about.]
If you can do all that, don't you think there's a chance you'll be able to find some happiness too? You don't have to look for it on your own, either. That's different here too.
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[And then it's back to being useless, which he knows isn't what it's supposed to be like. He remembers what it was like for the few years he was actually going to therapy regularly and takings meds. He remembers what it felt like to wake up every day and maybe not be happy, but be functional. Be stable enough that his grades were actually kind of okay.
This isn't that, and he doesn't know how to make it stop, because he knows he should be taking something or doing something to fix it but it seems like every time he digs himself out of a behavior he knows he should fix, it makes a different one worse. It's a cycle he doesn't know how to break, and the longer he goes on the more he's convinced it can't be stopped. He just - something inside him is broken, and it can't be fixed.]
- and then it's gone.
no subject
I know it's-- It sounds like a hell of a fight that you're fighting every day. And I'm sorry nobody can really fight it for you? It's hard to believe in anything, when something's cutting you off from... from everything. But you're worth fighting for, Connor fuckin' Murphy.
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[But it's easy to change if you give it your attention, right?]
And it's - I haven't felt okay in ten years, okay? That's just - that's just how it is, and people will get sick of dealing with it here too.
no subject
People will surprise you. The people here, we don't give up on others that easily.
Who gave up on you, before?
cw: parental neglect
[There's a certain tiredness to the way he says it, because his mother tried but she wasn't trying to help him. She was trying to turn him back into who he was, couldn't see that he'd grown up and he wasn't that kid anymore.
Anybody else didn't even bother with that - he wasn't trying hard enough to act normal for his father, who gave up almost as soon as the doctors said he was crazy. And god knows Zoe didn't have time for anybody, what with how she couldn't stop herself from always needing to obsessively do.]
Someone once told me I looked like a school shooter. That's who Connor Murphy is.
[The words are bitter, but he doesn't seem angry about it. Just resigned. That's his self-image: he'll always be that kid who threw the printer. That kid whose hair is a little too long and whose clothes aren't quite right.]
cw: parental neglect n transphobia
Okay, so what? You're just gonna let some asshole who doesn't even fucking know you define who you are? You're gonna let anyone who didn't give a rat's ass about you in some other reality tell you what you can and can't do? Why give them that kinda power over you?
[There's the sound of spit hitting the ground, which is badass and poignant and not at all because her lungs feel like a compost heap.]
Taako and I, nobody wanted to deal with us when we were little. Hah, hard to believe, right? We were never any fuckin good to anyone, like, his constant night terrors ruined everybody's sleep on purpose and, and I was trying to be a girl for the attention, just to make life difficult for our-- for those poor people who got cursed with us when our parents didn't want us? I mean, we were like, gonzo the moment we could. And life on the road fucking sucked but we kept proving them wrong and we kept surviving.
If you can't fight for yourself right now, fight for flipping those losers just like, the hugest flaming bird! I'll deliver it to 'em personally when I get my ship back.
cw: the plot of deh
[There's a context Lup doesn't have here, about a letter that he still sometimes carries in his pocket and an entire medicine cabinet worth of regrets.]
And that's - at some point it's going to happen here. At some point I'm just going to - to fucking wreck my life because I don't know how to deal with it being nice and good and better than it's ever been! I don't know how to have friends! I don't know how to be a productive member of society! I didn't even - I wanted to fucking study art. How useless is that?
no subject
Listen, I went to a world where the people did nothing but study art! I learned to play the violin there! And it's not useless here either, if it brings a smile to Ren's face. Those cats you painted on every house for her birthday? She talked about them for days. [At least now she knows where to send Ren with a pot of glue and some marbles on a rainy day.]
You're already doing all those things, Connor. And I guess it's scary, right? If you didn't have it before? Can't lose things you don't have, that's just math. But that's-- that's no way to live.