a farspeech announcement

[yourattention]

Emotions. [The lack of introduction is partially because Connor rarely bothers anyways and partially because he's trying to minimize the amount of speaking he's doing.] They were banned on Ai'tuoh and I couldn't figure out why then but that's - the more you bottle it up, the faster the flowers grow. Every. Single. Time. You say "I'm f" -

[There's a hiss of pain and then a slow, shaky breath. Yeah, alright. That was maybe not a great idea, given that he knows that's literally how it's triggered.]

Every time you lie about how you feel, something new grows. Every time you tell the truth, I think - I think that's how you cure it. That's why the robots didn't get it at first. That's why the rates of dying were all different.

[Should he take his own advice? Probably. But he's not gonna.]

I have fluro, if you want it. It makes the nausea worse, but it makes it easier to breathe.

Comments

[yourattention]

That. That's all mania. [Hypomania, actually, but he doesn't know that.] I did all that because I can't sit still. I can't stop, because the second I do it's like a house of cards being knocked over. That's not me, that's like the fake, functional version of me I can pretend to be for a few days, maybe a week, and then -

[And then it's back to being useless, which he knows isn't what it's supposed to be like. He remembers what it was like for the few years he was actually going to therapy regularly and takings meds. He remembers what it felt like to wake up every day and maybe not be happy, but be functional. Be stable enough that his grades were actually kind of okay.

This isn't that, and he doesn't know how to make it stop, because he knows he should be taking something or doing something to fix it but it seems like every time he digs himself out of a behavior he knows he should fix, it makes a different one worse. It's a cycle he doesn't know how to break, and the longer he goes on the more he's convinced it can't be stopped. He just - something inside him is broken, and it can't be fixed.]

- and then it's gone.

[hellawrath]

Why can't that be you? Why can't everything you do to, to help and fight with us be you, and the times you crash and can't get out of bed aren't how you're supposed to be? There's nothing fake about what you do, about making a difference to the rest of us.

I know it's-- It sounds like a hell of a fight that you're fighting every day. And I'm sorry nobody can really fight it for you? It's hard to believe in anything, when something's cutting you off from... from everything. But you're worth fighting for, Connor fuckin' Murphy.

[yourattention]

Because I can't do it. I tried. I tried to - [God. There was moments where he almost felt normal, but then they started getting less and less frequent.] - and I failed.

[But it's easy to change if you give it your attention, right?]

And it's - I haven't felt okay in ten years, okay? That's just - that's just how it is, and people will get sick of dealing with it here too.

[hellawrath]

[Ten years is a long time to be an outcast, to feel like a part of you is missing and to lose hope you'll ever get it back-- It makes her gentler, anyway, if no less certain.]

People will surprise you. The people here, we don't give up on others that easily.

Who gave up on you, before?

cw: parental neglect

[yourattention]

. . . Everyone.

[There's a certain tiredness to the way he says it, because his mother tried but she wasn't trying to help him. She was trying to turn him back into who he was, couldn't see that he'd grown up and he wasn't that kid anymore.

Anybody else didn't even bother with that - he wasn't trying hard enough to act normal for his father, who gave up almost as soon as the doctors said he was crazy. And god knows Zoe didn't have time for anybody, what with how she couldn't stop herself from always needing to obsessively do.]

Someone once told me I looked like a school shooter. That's who Connor Murphy is.

[The words are bitter, but he doesn't seem angry about it. Just resigned. That's his self-image: he'll always be that kid who threw the printer. That kid whose hair is a little too long and whose clothes aren't quite right.]

cw: parental neglect n transphobia

[hellawrath]

[She can hear the resignation poisoning him and it's just making her twice as mad on his behalf.]

Okay, so what? You're just gonna let some asshole who doesn't even fucking know you define who you are? You're gonna let anyone who didn't give a rat's ass about you in some other reality tell you what you can and can't do? Why give them that kinda power over you?

[There's the sound of spit hitting the ground, which is badass and poignant and not at all because her lungs feel like a compost heap.]

Taako and I, nobody wanted to deal with us when we were little. Hah, hard to believe, right? We were never any fuckin good to anyone, like, his constant night terrors ruined everybody's sleep on purpose and, and I was trying to be a girl for the attention, just to make life difficult for our-- for those poor people who got cursed with us when our parents didn't want us? I mean, we were like, gonzo the moment we could. And life on the road fucking sucked but we kept proving them wrong and we kept surviving.

If you can't fight for yourself right now, fight for flipping those losers just like, the hugest flaming bird! I'll deliver it to 'em personally when I get my ship back.

cw: the plot of deh

[yourattention]

The more I do that, the worse it gets! I fucking - I fucking bombed a building, Lup! [Technically, Gabe did. Connor's guilt over even letting it happen, though, is strong.] That's all I know how to do - ruin shit. I couldn't figure out how to get my shit together, so I just ruined everything. I ruined everyone's lives, because that was the only solution I could think of.

[There's a context Lup doesn't have here, about a letter that he still sometimes carries in his pocket and an entire medicine cabinet worth of regrets.]

And that's - at some point it's going to happen here. At some point I'm just going to - to fucking wreck my life because I don't know how to deal with it being nice and good and better than it's ever been! I don't know how to have friends! I don't know how to be a productive member of society! I didn't even - I wanted to fucking study art. How useless is that?

[hellawrath]

[She's kind of missing a lot of context, like how that building was on Ai'tuoh, where she set the library ablaze?? Where it was Connor who convinced her to maybe not totally indiscriminately burn all the ships? If she knew, perhaps she could tell him not all acts of fury and destruction are wicked.]

Listen, I went to a world where the people did nothing but study art! I learned to play the violin there! And it's not useless here either, if it brings a smile to Ren's face. Those cats you painted on every house for her birthday? She talked about them for days. [At least now she knows where to send Ren with a pot of glue and some marbles on a rainy day.]

You're already doing all those things, Connor. And I guess it's scary, right? If you didn't have it before? Can't lose things you don't have, that's just math. But that's-- that's no way to live.