lifenet | text; 9/30

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text; 9/30

psa: dont fuckin come near my house for the foreseeable future (aka like at least a month) bc mistakes were made and things are kind of on fire

literally

they are literally on fire

no i dont need help i know what im doing

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good news: i lived bitch!

bad news: the manner in which i accomplished this was a mistake

[For the record, he's responding with text because he's a considerate human being and he still has All Star going in the bg.]

[HE'S NOT TEXTING AND RUNNING AT THE SAME TIME, OKAY]

What did you set on fire and why.

[Listen. Get good, Tim.]

i didnt set anything on fire the fire is actually 100% not my fault

its just happening around my house bc mistakes were made

If you didn't, then who?

[Why are things on fire, Connor]

[Somebody somebody somesomesomesomebody]

Say "hi," dumb baby.

[It's a little hard to hear over the bg music, but there's a very distinctive dragon noise. You know, like the ones that have been going on for like a month. But like. Cute.]

Oh, now you're being cute. Now you've decided to stop spitting up fire.

[The background noise is negligible compared to the sound of...what is that. Oh my god.]

Connor?

Why do you have a dragon.

i actually have no idea but it was a mistake

being khaleesi is hard

Wh...I don't...what does that mean?

What do you mean you have no idea? [DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM YOUR SHREK PENALTY]

[It's faster to explain this via audio otherwise this story is gonna take like eight text messages. Ignore the bg noise, Tim.]

Listen. I saw a dragon was stuck under a tree because it's a dumb baby - [There's a dragon noise again.] Yeah. You're a dumb baby. The dumb baby is you.

[What was he talking about? Oh, right.]

Uh. Yeah, so: stuck under a tree and I'm like "it's baby, how can I just spray it with water" because I don't know I was having an emotional day and maybe the song is making me a little crazy or something so I freed this dumb baby and it flew away? So I figured that was it, but then it brought me a ruby like like size of a baseball or something? And I took it because it's rude to, like, refuse gifts? But I'm thinking maybe I did something weird in dragon culture because now it follows me around and it's living in my house.

[Somebody somebody]

Anyway I guess it's in the gross baby stage because sometimes it just [Connor makes a gross "blegh" noise, because he actually has not stopped being a teenage boy even though he's technically not one anymore.] and then things are on fire.

[He got dragon married, is what he's saying. It's fine.]

[This explanation at least clarifies a lot of the situation. Tim is appropriately silent for just about all of it - mostly because he's busy running like hell to Connor's current location.]

You have a pet dragon?

[So, the ogre was a failure, but the dragon wasn't. It's a good thing that Tim doesn't know a thing about Shrek. The references he could be making here would be unbelievable.]

Oh my god. You do. You have a pet dragon.

It's not a pet. It's a fully autonomous creature that's here of its own free will.

[Meanwhile, Connor to Lup: "Rude, don't talk about my pet dragon like that."]

Kind of like Caravaggio, who ate all my octonettles and still won't let me ride them like a pokemon.

...who?

[Tim's having trouble tracking what, exactly, Connor has told him and with what degree of coherency he mentioned it.]

Why did you have octonettles? Why...

[He stops asking questions around then. Why does Connor do anything? He's starting to learn it's better not to ask, and better to just...accept that this is a thing that's happening.]

The octonettles were protecting the Jackdaw, but apparently kaleidoshells eat them so now Caravaggio is protecting the Jackdaw. They're not very good at their job, but I love them anyway.

[Caravaggio is actually a wild animal that consents to let Connor hand feed it sometimes. Unlike his new dragon, which is more like a direwolf. The Game of Thrones kind, not the actual kind.]

Caravaggio is...your kaleidoshell?

[He's gonna have to take an inventory. Just to get this all straight in his head, because these piecemeal explanations aren't really cutting it anymore.]

Well, yeah. What else would I name a turtle?

[Connor, you're literally the only person who would name a turtle after a different Italian renaissance painter.]

I don't know how to answer that.

[They're getting off topic. Focus, Tim. Focus.]

...look. How on fire are things, currently?

You mean aside from the literal lava dragon made of fire currently in my house? Like none.

[How do you think he's managing to text people? He just sprays the fire with the water stick and it's fine. Mostly.]

But also the dumb baby has decided it has to protect the house from intruders or something so ask me again in five minutes.

I'm asking because I'm on my way right now and I need to know how many water buckets I should bring.

[Maybe he's got it covered for now, but it'd be good to get things nice and damp to ensure that nothing else catches on fire. Or that the fire spreads.]

Oh, I dunno. I moved everything to the Jackdaw once I realized the dragon wasn't going away so really all that's happening is my floor looks like a crime scene.

[A beat.]

Also I have to make a new table.

Either way, you're gonna want as much of the surrounding area as wet as possible. The last thing we need is this fire spreading.

[At least he moved all the important shit to the boat. Except for, apparently, the table.]

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