lifenet | farstones; aug 11

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farstones; aug 11

[It opens to a wet, spitting noise, followed by a bleak chuckle.]

Emotions... honesty? That's what you guys are saying, huh? It's supposed to be as easy as that? [a beat.] Tch... I don't usually do the story thing, b-but I guess... this is gonna be my only chance, so here goes nothing.

[Ichimatsu draws a slow, deep breath; or one that tries to be deep, but seems to drag along the way, stuttering through his airway like a broken windshutter.]

Once there was a bunch of shitty, useless brothers. Six of 'em. All they did was bother everyone and t-take up space. Annoying, loud, selfish, meddlesome... that was all of them in a nutshell.

... except the fourth son. The others were just a pain in the ass to deal with, but the fourth one... wasn't even that. He was just a sad, unburnable piece of trash with no will to live. And you know what? He didn't need the others. He was better off without 'em. They just... held him b-back... and he didn't miss 'em at all.

[A violent, retching cough, followed by a few seconds of silence; then he clears his throat, as if nothing had happened.]

And they're pr... obably better off, too. That's the sort of happy ending this cursed family can look forward to. Them, and any of the fourth brother's new friends... who make it out of this.

[He pauses, as if waiting for another quick retribution, but this time... nothing. He gives a soft and wheezing huff of laughter.]

... but enough about those guys. If we're gonna talk like it's easy... like we're better than all the jerks who died here before... why don't you tell me about all the stuff you won't acknowledge? I'll be the one who takes your shit to the grave for you.

Heh... or maybe I'll j-just see you there. We're just the same as them in the end, right?

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I don't want that.

[He only says it once she's settled into his side and he's let his arm down around her, his voice quiet and murmuring. It's more candid than he usually is, but then -- Ren is always the exception. Maybe it's for that exact reason that the tight feeling in his lungs seems to relax a bit, like the coils of roots inside him are responding to his earnesty. That better, honest person he is when he allows himself to be. For her.]

[It won't be enough this time. He won't let it. If it means she'd have to endure all the terrible things about himself that he can't deal with...]

[He won't make saving him her responsibility.]

[He stares again at the golden flowers lining her skin, and again it's hard to breathe, something in his throat closing off for a reason that has nothing at all to do with the disease. Despair seems to crash down inside him like a dark and bottomless ocean. This isn't fair. This can't be fair. Not someone like Ren. He'll waste away because it's natural, but not Ren... it has to be a mistake. She's such a good girl. There isn't a cruel or dishonest bone in her body. Why the hell should she have to suffer a disease meant for shitty people? It has to be... some kind of joke...]

[He doesn't realize that his eyes have started stinging with tears until the salt burns a gash under his eye, blooming with petals. Wordlessly, Ichimatsu reaches over with his free hand to pet the lion plush, discreetly wiping his eyes with his sleeve. They land on ESP as the cat stretches himself over their legs. Ichimatsu should push him away, but he's too tired. At least cats are honest.]

[Somehow, he finds his voice again; still crackling and ugly.]

Sorry. You heard me say all that stuff, didn't you?

[That bit of honesty on his end is met with an unspoken gratitude on hers-one that she shows by resting her head against his shoulder, the tension in her body turning into dead weight against his side. The truth is she doesn't want to move yet. She would rather lay by him as he spews out the words he's been hiding from her, ones that he thinks require a sorry, his heart focusing too much on her in a situation where they're all suffering.

Because despite all the vitriol in his voice and the way his tongue sharpened when he thought she wasn't listening, all she heard was a scared cat trying to get help. Trying to help others by offering his own ears to those who needed it.]

I heard it. I always listen for your voice.

[The itching in her neck, in her body-it's uncomfortable. No matter what position she takes and it gets worse whenever she opens her mouth, but she wants him to keep going. To keep talking. Wants to ask-

Are we going to die soon?

Because she's reminded of Shiro, suddenly. The memory of sitting by a fire, talking to a cat because she was terrified of leaving Seto alone in the world, but the fleeting thought is too much. It's not just her this time. She doesn't want to know the answer when so many other lives are tangled in this mess too.]

I think people could feel your pretty heart in those words. Someone will talk to you very soon.

Doesn't mean it's always worth listening to, you know.

[He can be honest with her about at least that much. If she hadn't figured it out before, he's sure she has by now: he acts a hell of a lot differently when he's with her than when he's not. A voice like his is the last one that she should be using to guide herself. His opinion on that has never changed.]

[Of course, this might be his last chance for a while. It would be stupid to throw it away. He's sure there's some way... to help her through this. Even if it means putting forward an effort to be as honest as he can let her bear. Even if it means being a hypocrite, and trying to show her how to be better than him. He can try to do something good for once, instead of always just settling, instead of being the bare minimum of good.]

[Gently, he pries his voice out from its painful cage of flowers and ribs, colors it with warmth and humor instead of blood:]

Hmm? ... maybe. Maybe someone who likes cats and onigiri... and grass whistling.

[There's something foggy in her mind, keeping her from fully realizing who he's talking about until she really thinks about it. There isn't anyone on the island, outside of Seto, who would like all three of those things, until she realizes-

He's talking about her. Her eyes widen, brighten, and show more life than they have this whole entire week. The ultimate sign of trust is a cat sharing secrets and she wants to hear everything he's willing to divulge. She turns her head up, using his shoulder as a support. The excitement in her tone is clear, despite the shaky way her voice comes out.]

That's me. That's something I can do.

[It might be the only chance she has to save himf.]

You can say 'I miss this' and 'I'm sad about that' and 'This makes me happy'-I'll listen.

Oh... that's Ren-chan, huh? I should've thought of that.

[He's teasing her. His smile is thin, doesn't show too many teeth, because he can feel the buds of an orchid pushing through his gums, and he doesn't want to scare her -- wants this to be as peaceful for her as possible. If he can do just that, then he won't have any regrets when the time for them comes.]

[The tremble in her voice hurts his insides with sharper thorns than any stupid plant could ever produce. But he hears the joy in it, that goodness that refuses to be snuffed, and he holds onto it.]

Mm. In that case... how about we make it a game? We can... take turns talking about things.

[This isn't the first time someone's offered to do this information exchange with her. Coming from him, she doesn't feel so tense and uncertain about her eventual lackluster agreement. Because it's for him and he has to talk and he has to live, even if these confessions only work as a medicine instead of a full fledged cure.

It's a game she doesn't mind losing, if it's for his sake. They've never spoken about this stuff, but she knows there's an innate knowledge cats have about people and they can see everything. He already knows about her bad heart, said it's pretty, knows there's a loneliness she can't ever seem to fully shake and-

She knows he won't reject her because that's how cats are, but it makes her stiffen up all the same.]

You have to go first.

Eh? Didn't I already go?

[Granted, his dramatic waxing over the Farstones was more a combination of testing and his own gleeful attempt to take potshots at everyone, but the point stands. Still, it's a weak protest - he doesn't have it in him to say 'no' to her.]

[Especially when he thinks that maybe she needs some time first. Someone to show her that it's all right to talk about the shit that's bothering her. Because he knows: it's never as easy as just saying it. And he couldn't think of a literal worse example than present company, but as ever, Ichimatsu is willing to be as not Ichimatsu as it takes when it comes to Ren.]

[His eyes lift blearily to the sky, and he hums quietly.]

... well. You said you wanted to hear something else about my brothers, right?

[It feels like she's preparing for a bedtime story, snuggled up by someone she loves with a couple purring cats by her side and a stuffed lion that'll turn into a pillow as the day goes on. That's comforting in its own way and she shuts her eyes, unable to fall asleep, but wanting to cling to this feeling for as long as possible.

And try to ignore the sinking dread that this is a game she's going to be expected to play too.]

Yes, I want to know about them because they're important to you.

... fine.

[There's nothing in him that wants to deny her words. Not just because it's Ren who's saying it, but because he knows it's true. No matter what grim, twisting bullshit he tried to sell over the farstones, he knows how transparent he is to anyone who really knows him.]

[A lot of things are important to him.]

Well... I have five of 'em. You remember their names, right?

Beni-chan, Hanada-chan, Midori-chan, Asagi-chan, and Arazome-chan.

[The quiet repetition of names she promised to commit to memory long ago is enough to bring a smile to her face. Each brother's name brings a crystal clear image of a happy cat with an equally colorful fur coat and she shuts her eyes to hold that picturesque thought for as long as she can. ]

Those are their names.

Aa, that's right. Good job.

[The praise is light, warm, but he finds himself trailing off. He never thought he'd be like this - at a loss of what to say about his brothers. Forced to discard the comfort of knowledge that if someone knew Ichimatsu, they knew the sextuplets; none of them ever existed alone. Back home, that was how it was. Here...]

[Ichimatsu sighs, and it tugs a little in his chest, like cotton being pulled through spokes.]

[It's not talking about them that's hard. It's being honest about them.]

Beni-niisan was born first, even though we were all born the same day. He's stupid, irresponsible, disgusting, greedy... not the kind of guy you should look up to, Ren-chan.

... but we all do, anyway. It's hard... not to. No one wants to be responsible for five people you're stuck with from birth, just because you were first... it's not fair. I think if he hated us for that, he'd be happier, but - I'm g-... glad he doesn't.

[He pauses.]

Does Ren-chan worry about things like that?

[The words aren't lies, that much is clear, but his negativity describing his oldest brother isn't what she expects to hear, especially with the imaginary family she visualized only moments prior. That's how it is with family, she's starting to realize. Anger and discontent don't replace love-sometimes it's simply alongside it and she tries to quietly accept that description without questioning it.

Because Murasaki-chan looks up to him and if the result of that brother's influence is the kind hearted cat holding her close, comforting her, trying to ask for help with the iStone and help others in turn, in his own harsh way-

Beni-niisan might be stupid, irresponsible, disgusting, greedy, but that doesn't mean his love didn't reach them despite it all.

And if it were anyone else, she'd brace herself for the pain of brushing off that unexpected question. If it were someone other than her trusted cat companion, she wouldn't think twice about fielding it with one of her own.

But just like that night in the woods, there's something safe about being here with him, with the sleepy cats in their laps, with a stuffed animal between them and his gentle coaxing to speak up without reservation or judgement. If he felt that way too, then-]

I think that...sometimes-

[She swallows. Her voice is still shaky and she has to clear her throat a couple times, ignoring the burning sensation in her chest, her legs.]

Maybe they'd be happier if I didn't say 'aunt' and 'uncle' and 'bro' to them, but-

[She's glad they let her. Glad they don't hate her or push her away, no matter how selfish she is for letting it go on with this secret in her heart.]

I'm glad they don't hate me either.

[It makes no sense to him that she could think something like that. None at all. Someone would have to be stupid or evil not to realize how lucky they are to be gifted with affection from someone like Ren - someone, in his eyes, made of everything good and kind and fragile, and so careful. So brave, to pass her light to others in its sugar-glass bulb.]

[No one could hate Ren. And he doesn't understand how she could think they would. But that other part of him, that understands lonely places and the fear of rejection, understands why.]

[He's quiet for a moment, and then he gently ruffles his hand through her hair, careful not to let it catch on the tangled vines in his fingers.]

Keep calling them that. It makes them happy. I can tell.

[A cat knows, right? Even when he hasn't met most of them.]

[Ichimatsu's eyes slide away, knowing which of his brothers comes next. And wishing he didn't.]

... Kara - Hanada-niisan -- he was born second. He's... [Ichimatsu swallows.] ... flashy. And an idiot... not to mention a liar. H-he pretends like nothing ever gets t-to him, and it really... he ticks me off when he acts like he cares, even when I treat him like shit. Always hovering like a pain in the ass. I'm glad he's g --

[He stiffens, suddenly, and turns his face slightly away, his chest giving a soft jerk. A line of wet violet trails from his nose.]

...

... s... sorry. He's... n-not that bad. [He shifts, wipes his face, and starts again with a careful tone.] He was here for a while, actually. Y-you know... he was the one who found Pachinko and her siblings. He was a good uncle... just like Ren-chan is a good aunt.

[That's another special power cats have-the ability to remain encouraging and warm, even when his voice is dripping with exhaustion. The little pat, his soft words, it makes her feel like he's right and that perks her up, makes her straighten a little, because the confirmation is nice. It makes up for all the doubt she has in her own heart and she's too tired to question it.

She knows it'll end, but if he says it makes them happy too, then for the time being, it's worth it to let it go. Talking about her own fears about that-now isn't the time.

The description of Hanada is less than stellar, falling in line with the tone he's used for his brothers the whole time. A series of insults, peppered with some of his lies that make her-

Gently reach up to pet his hair, hoping to offer some relief. She won't be able to raise her arm for long and she has to watch her numb fingers to make sure she's even patting him to begin with. A few seconds of that is all she can manage before her shoulder becomes stiff and her hand lowers back down.

She was a good aunt once, but it's not like she could do it again. That was an extenuating circumstance and it's because he was by her side she managed-no way could she be a good aunt on her own. It's a compliment she pushes away and tries to ignore. Her goal is to get him to talk, not stress him out with denials.]

He's a-he's a good uncle and a good person. If he found cats and they stayed with him, his heart is as nice as yours. That's how it works.

[Her voice ends on a shaky note and she takes a couple deep breaths-as deep as she can, in any case.]

Hanada-chan will come back and you can 'treat him like shit' again very soon.

[Since shit is a special cat term and all. Must mean something good.]

...

... no.

[His voice is a thin croak, his own hand coming up to try and gently catch hers as it falls away from his head. He means just to inspect it, to make sure none of the disgusting, ugly florets gummed up in his hair got caught in her fingers, and he's careful to keep the vines twirled around his fingers from snagging against her skin. If she lets him, though - if he doesn't sense her pulling away- he'll keep holding her hand.]

[Either way, he turns a smile on her, one that doesn't show as many teeth as it does a sardonic curl at the corner of his mouth. Ichimatsu shakes his head, and keeps his voice low and gentle.]

He shouldn't come back... and I shouldn't t-treat him like that. It's like I said earlier. There's plenty of things I d-do and say... that aren't worth listening to.

[Like this. Dying, slowly. Not trying stop it, but still having the nerve to take these selfish moments.]

S-sometimes... even if you care about someone, and you're afraid of b-being lonely... you have to know when they're wrong, and be better than they are. Midori-niisan is the one who showed us that... even if he's a know-it-all pain in the ass. He's the bravest one out of us all... I think.

[He trails off. Deliberates, for a long beat.]

I want you to be like that, Ren-chan. N-not afraid to know when I'm wrong... and be better than me.

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farstones; aug 11

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