lifenet | farstones; aug 11

[It opens to a wet, spitting noise, followed by a bleak chuckle.]

Emotions... honesty? That's what you guys are saying, huh? It's supposed to be as easy as that? [a beat.] Tch... I don't usually do the story thing, b-but I guess... this is gonna be my only chance, so here goes nothing.

[Ichimatsu draws a slow, deep breath; or one that tries to be deep, but seems to drag along the way, stuttering through his airway like a broken windshutter.]

Once there was a bunch of shitty, useless brothers. Six of 'em. All they did was bother everyone and t-take up space. Annoying, loud, selfish, meddlesome... that was all of them in a nutshell.

... except the fourth son. The others were just a pain in the ass to deal with, but the fourth one... wasn't even that. He was just a sad, unburnable piece of trash with no will to live. And you know what? He didn't need the others. He was better off without 'em. They just... held him b-back... and he didn't miss 'em at all.

[A violent, retching cough, followed by a few seconds of silence; then he clears his throat, as if nothing had happened.]

And they're pr... obably better off, too. That's the sort of happy ending this cursed family can look forward to. Them, and any of the fourth brother's new friends... who make it out of this.

[He pauses, as if waiting for another quick retribution, but this time... nothing. He gives a soft and wheezing huff of laughter.]

... but enough about those guys. If we're gonna talk like it's easy... like we're better than all the jerks who died here before... why don't you tell me about all the stuff you won't acknowledge? I'll be the one who takes your shit to the grave for you.

Heh... or maybe I'll j-just see you there. We're just the same as them in the end, right?

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... fine.

[There's nothing in him that wants to deny her words. Not just because it's Ren who's saying it, but because he knows it's true. No matter what grim, twisting bullshit he tried to sell over the farstones, he knows how transparent he is to anyone who really knows him.]

[A lot of things are important to him.]

Well... I have five of 'em. You remember their names, right?

Beni-chan, Hanada-chan, Midori-chan, Asagi-chan, and Arazome-chan.

[The quiet repetition of names she promised to commit to memory long ago is enough to bring a smile to her face. Each brother's name brings a crystal clear image of a happy cat with an equally colorful fur coat and she shuts her eyes to hold that picturesque thought for as long as she can. ]

Those are their names.

Aa, that's right. Good job.

[The praise is light, warm, but he finds himself trailing off. He never thought he'd be like this - at a loss of what to say about his brothers. Forced to discard the comfort of knowledge that if someone knew Ichimatsu, they knew the sextuplets; none of them ever existed alone. Back home, that was how it was. Here...]

[Ichimatsu sighs, and it tugs a little in his chest, like cotton being pulled through spokes.]

[It's not talking about them that's hard. It's being honest about them.]

Beni-niisan was born first, even though we were all born the same day. He's stupid, irresponsible, disgusting, greedy... not the kind of guy you should look up to, Ren-chan.

... but we all do, anyway. It's hard... not to. No one wants to be responsible for five people you're stuck with from birth, just because you were first... it's not fair. I think if he hated us for that, he'd be happier, but - I'm g-... glad he doesn't.

[He pauses.]

Does Ren-chan worry about things like that?

[The words aren't lies, that much is clear, but his negativity describing his oldest brother isn't what she expects to hear, especially with the imaginary family she visualized only moments prior. That's how it is with family, she's starting to realize. Anger and discontent don't replace love-sometimes it's simply alongside it and she tries to quietly accept that description without questioning it.

Because Murasaki-chan looks up to him and if the result of that brother's influence is the kind hearted cat holding her close, comforting her, trying to ask for help with the iStone and help others in turn, in his own harsh way-

Beni-niisan might be stupid, irresponsible, disgusting, greedy, but that doesn't mean his love didn't reach them despite it all.

And if it were anyone else, she'd brace herself for the pain of brushing off that unexpected question. If it were someone other than her trusted cat companion, she wouldn't think twice about fielding it with one of her own.

But just like that night in the woods, there's something safe about being here with him, with the sleepy cats in their laps, with a stuffed animal between them and his gentle coaxing to speak up without reservation or judgement. If he felt that way too, then-]

I think that...sometimes-

[She swallows. Her voice is still shaky and she has to clear her throat a couple times, ignoring the burning sensation in her chest, her legs.]

Maybe they'd be happier if I didn't say 'aunt' and 'uncle' and 'bro' to them, but-

[She's glad they let her. Glad they don't hate her or push her away, no matter how selfish she is for letting it go on with this secret in her heart.]

I'm glad they don't hate me either.

[It makes no sense to him that she could think something like that. None at all. Someone would have to be stupid or evil not to realize how lucky they are to be gifted with affection from someone like Ren - someone, in his eyes, made of everything good and kind and fragile, and so careful. So brave, to pass her light to others in its sugar-glass bulb.]

[No one could hate Ren. And he doesn't understand how she could think they would. But that other part of him, that understands lonely places and the fear of rejection, understands why.]

[He's quiet for a moment, and then he gently ruffles his hand through her hair, careful not to let it catch on the tangled vines in his fingers.]

Keep calling them that. It makes them happy. I can tell.

[A cat knows, right? Even when he hasn't met most of them.]

[Ichimatsu's eyes slide away, knowing which of his brothers comes next. And wishing he didn't.]

... Kara - Hanada-niisan -- he was born second. He's... [Ichimatsu swallows.] ... flashy. And an idiot... not to mention a liar. H-he pretends like nothing ever gets t-to him, and it really... he ticks me off when he acts like he cares, even when I treat him like shit. Always hovering like a pain in the ass. I'm glad he's g --

[He stiffens, suddenly, and turns his face slightly away, his chest giving a soft jerk. A line of wet violet trails from his nose.]

...

... s... sorry. He's... n-not that bad. [He shifts, wipes his face, and starts again with a careful tone.] He was here for a while, actually. Y-you know... he was the one who found Pachinko and her siblings. He was a good uncle... just like Ren-chan is a good aunt.

[That's another special power cats have-the ability to remain encouraging and warm, even when his voice is dripping with exhaustion. The little pat, his soft words, it makes her feel like he's right and that perks her up, makes her straighten a little, because the confirmation is nice. It makes up for all the doubt she has in her own heart and she's too tired to question it.

She knows it'll end, but if he says it makes them happy too, then for the time being, it's worth it to let it go. Talking about her own fears about that-now isn't the time.

The description of Hanada is less than stellar, falling in line with the tone he's used for his brothers the whole time. A series of insults, peppered with some of his lies that make her-

Gently reach up to pet his hair, hoping to offer some relief. She won't be able to raise her arm for long and she has to watch her numb fingers to make sure she's even patting him to begin with. A few seconds of that is all she can manage before her shoulder becomes stiff and her hand lowers back down.

She was a good aunt once, but it's not like she could do it again. That was an extenuating circumstance and it's because he was by her side she managed-no way could she be a good aunt on her own. It's a compliment she pushes away and tries to ignore. Her goal is to get him to talk, not stress him out with denials.]

He's a-he's a good uncle and a good person. If he found cats and they stayed with him, his heart is as nice as yours. That's how it works.

[Her voice ends on a shaky note and she takes a couple deep breaths-as deep as she can, in any case.]

Hanada-chan will come back and you can 'treat him like shit' again very soon.

[Since shit is a special cat term and all. Must mean something good.]

...

... no.

[His voice is a thin croak, his own hand coming up to try and gently catch hers as it falls away from his head. He means just to inspect it, to make sure none of the disgusting, ugly florets gummed up in his hair got caught in her fingers, and he's careful to keep the vines twirled around his fingers from snagging against her skin. If she lets him, though - if he doesn't sense her pulling away- he'll keep holding her hand.]

[Either way, he turns a smile on her, one that doesn't show as many teeth as it does a sardonic curl at the corner of his mouth. Ichimatsu shakes his head, and keeps his voice low and gentle.]

He shouldn't come back... and I shouldn't t-treat him like that. It's like I said earlier. There's plenty of things I d-do and say... that aren't worth listening to.

[Like this. Dying, slowly. Not trying stop it, but still having the nerve to take these selfish moments.]

S-sometimes... even if you care about someone, and you're afraid of b-being lonely... you have to know when they're wrong, and be better than they are. Midori-niisan is the one who showed us that... even if he's a know-it-all pain in the ass. He's the bravest one out of us all... I think.

[He trails off. Deliberates, for a long beat.]

I want you to be like that, Ren-chan. N-not afraid to know when I'm wrong... and be better than me.

farstones; aug 11

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