a totally urgent broadcast not brought to you by a dumb robot

[tomodachi]

[Like any good pirate, Crow always likes to check what treasures he's collected so far. His collection of rocks, a whistle and hammer he found in his bag when he first arrived here, some box with the words "first aid" on it and... oh, hello. Here's something that he had in the bottom of the bag here, a strange charm of some kind. Normally he just sort of swings it a little back and forth here, but for the first time, he notices words that are actually printed on it here.]

"Speak my words, that lawful phrase... And I will feed you, for all your days"? The heck does that mean...?

[He doesn't get a lot of time to ponder this though because it's starting to get uncomfortable to hold in his hand--despite not being able to feel pain, he can still sort of tell when something is not right temperature wise sometimes, and this is enough that he ends up throwing it in alarm at a nearby tree...

... which then begins to change to turn into chocolate when the charm comes in contact with it before falling back onto the ground harmlessly. Um.]

What the heck just happened!?

[It takes a moment, but eventually Crow approaches the tree warily to poke at, coming away with a slight chocolate stain on his glove here. There can only be one conclusion to make, and thus, he leaves the following message on the iStone for all to see--]



I THREW SOMETHING AT A TREE AND NOW THE TREE IS MELTING WHAT DO I DO



[Alternatively, you can come and see the tree now made of chocolate and maybe break off a piece to eat for yourself?? Probably sooner than later seeing as it is the month of June and chocolate is probably going to melt in summer heat, though it is currently holding strong for the time being.]

Comments

[counterblows]

Chocolate?

[That's a less uncommon question than one might think. Marines on the front lines would gamble for contraband sweets, and in the intergalactic hodgepodge of soldiers cribbed from Earth's colonies all over multiple systems, sometimes you learn that what's basic in some lower-class Earther slums isn't necessarily as such in others.]

It's a type of candy. It just...usually doesn't come on trees.

[tomodachi]

[Okay, well that's one question that's been answered here.]

So it's... something that people can eat?

[counterblows]

[Well, they're certainly not about to snort it.]

[But he doesn't say that, because he's not Agent fucking South Dakota, and he can actually talk to children.]

Yeah. But like I said, entire trees made of it? That's new.

[tomodachi]

... Huh. That's super weird.

[He's never needed to eat before, and even he knows that this isn't normal.]

[counterblows]

[He crouches briefly to run one gloved hand along the the trunk. Smooth, pristine chocolate, every dimple and whorl in the wood converted into artfully swirled cocoa.]

Has this always been here?

[tomodachi]

Nah, it was completely normal, until I threw something at it.

[counterblows]

[Behind his helmet, Wash squints.]

What’d you throw at it? [What has the power to turn trees into chocolate????]

[tomodachi]

This thing: I found it with a bunch of other stuff back when I first got here, but this is the first time it's done something like that.

[By "this", he means some sort of strange charm that he now holds up, dangling from a chain here.]

[counterblows]

[So people here show up with random, assorted shit and no explanation as to how any of it works. Wash is now intensely grateful that he hasn't done anything with the fucking...confetti popper he has in his pack. God, what's it even capable of? Does he want to know?]

Did it do anything strange before it...turned an entire tree into candy?

[tomodachi]

It got kind of uncomfortable to hold for some reason, so I threw it. But normally it doesn't do anything and just sits in my bag.

[counterblows]

What do you mean, uncomfortable?

[Sorry, does this kid just have a random trinket that turns shit into chocolate apropos of nothing?]

[tomodachi]

I meant exactly what I said.

[... Sorry, this kid is a brat who won't explain himself further.]

[counterblows]

[His tone doesn't imply impatience so much as it simply does...resignation. The sim soldiers may not have been literal children, but their maturity levels frequently made them indistinguishable in some respects.]

[He needs clarification. And so:]

Did it hurt? Do you think it might hurt other people?

[tomodachi]

I don't know? It didn't hurt, it was just weird.

[He can't feel pain, but he's not sure how to describe the sudden rise in temperature being alarming enough to make him throw the object.]

[counterblows]

Well, you must have done something. Trees don't usually turn to chocolate of their own accord. So if you can think of anything you might have done, specifically, that might help.

[He won't say it. He won't say it's like talking to Caboose, because nothing is like talking to Caboose. But it's maybe like talking to Grif.]

[tomodachi]

[Unfortunately, you are starting to reach the limit of Crow's tolerance levels here as his tone slips into bratty teenager-ish acting.]

Geez, lighten up already, would you? You're starting to be a pain with all these questions.

[counterblows]

You turned a tree into chocolate.

[His tone spikes to match Crow’s, audible exasperation tipping his pitch upwards very slightly.]

That doesn’t just happen.

[tomodachi]

Yeah well, it's not like I meant for that to happen, so I don't know what to tell you. Aside from being annoying about it now, obviously.

[counterblows]

Well, I'm sorry that wanting to keep people safe is an annoyance for you, [says Wash in such a way that implies very heavily that he isn't remotely sorry at all.]

But making sure that nothing else gets turned into candy is gonna take priority.

[tomodachi]

Hey, don't put words in my mouth! I didn't say that keeping people safe was annoying, I said that you were being annoying.

[counterblows]

I don't care.

[It's said bluntly, and without much fanfare.]

What else can you tell me about this?

[tomodachi]

You're also kind of a killjoy?

[... That's what you meant about what else he can tell you here, right.]

[counterblows]

[Usually it's buzzkill, but close enough.]

Noted. About the tree, kid.

[tomodachi]

That it's tall and not usually supposed to be made of chocolate?

[counterblows]

I said what else, not stuff you've already told me. Is there anyone...else I can talk to about this?

[Are there any grown-ups, he means to say.]