Connor Murphy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
yourattention) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
lifenet2018-08-09 10:25 pm
yourattention) wrote in lifenet2018-08-09 10:25 pm
a farspeech announcement
Emotions. [The lack of introduction is partially because Connor rarely bothers anyways and partially because he's trying to minimize the amount of speaking he's doing.] They were banned on Ai'tuoh and I couldn't figure out why then but that's - the more you bottle it up, the faster the flowers grow. Every. Single. Time. You say "I'm f" -
[There's a hiss of pain and then a slow, shaky breath. Yeah, alright. That was maybe not a great idea, given that he knows that's literally how it's triggered.]
Every time you lie about how you feel, something new grows. Every time you tell the truth, I think - I think that's how you cure it. That's why the robots didn't get it at first. That's why the rates of dying were all different.
[Should he take his own advice? Probably. But he's not gonna.]
I have fluro, if you want it. It makes the nausea worse, but it makes it easier to breathe.
[There's a hiss of pain and then a slow, shaky breath. Yeah, alright. That was maybe not a great idea, given that he knows that's literally how it's triggered.]
Every time you lie about how you feel, something new grows. Every time you tell the truth, I think - I think that's how you cure it. That's why the robots didn't get it at first. That's why the rates of dying were all different.
[Should he take his own advice? Probably. But he's not gonna.]
I have fluro, if you want it. It makes the nausea worse, but it makes it easier to breathe.
no subject
[The bottom line is: it's not fucking worth it, he's learned, because you don't even get a break from all of it. No time to just shut off and sleep.]
People have been a lot more...thorough than I have in seeing what kind of lengths it takes before this place stops bringing you back.
We haven't found a limit yet.
no subject
[There's still things he could bother to say explicitly to Tim, instead of leaving them for extrapolation buried under sarcastic quips and bizarre tidbits of information, of course, but he's bizarrely honest about himself to Tim. He thinks? That's what Tim's trying to get at here?
That if the cure really is telling the truth, he should just do that and not die a horrible, flowery death.]
Well. Stuff that's important, anyway.
no subject
[This is Tim's stupid convoluted way of saying he really doesn't want you to die, Connor. He should probably be guilty, because he's lied several times in this conversation alone. Guilt is too ordinary a thing for him to pick it out from the mess of the rest anymore.]
Death here isn't worth it.
no subject
[Which, in fairness? It's a 200% improvement over him before he arrived here, but also it vastly narrows down the pool of people he's comfortable enough with to confess more than (1) thing to.]
One of them knows more about me than my own family and the other one is [Shion, who he's actively keeping secrets from.] a hallucination, which is just talking to myself.
no subject
[He hasn't started seeing...things yet. That'll start to happen later, when more time starts elapsing between swallowed pills, and when the pain sends fresh flurrying shocks down the base of his spine.]
What scares you about it? Saying stuff aloud?
cw: connor being connor
[Attention, attention, attention. Everything he does is for attention and he can't. Dumping your shit on people is like the worst form of attention-seeking because then they have to respond to you. They have to give you what you want.]
cw: suicide mention
[It's tired, like - like he's just offering some clarification.]
That's kind of the point of killing yourself. There's no guilt to a corpse, or attention, or anything. You don't get anything out of it but...it just being over.